Regrets & Comfort
by Mileycfan4eva
Summary: Trigger warnings mention of Abortion. What if Amanda hadn't listened to Liv's warnings about regrets? ? One shot use to be Besmirched Pasts


**Chapter 1: Wake Me When September Ends **

**P O V: Olivia Benson**

**June 2019**

**A/N: I own nothing except the thoughts in my head. Trigger mention for abortion discussed as a topic. Jesse and Billie do not exist. Thank you to anyone who reviews,favorites, follows. I am working on a few fics, so updates maybe spaced out. Reviews fuel this Barb's Ego greatly. What did everyone think of last night's season premiere? Reuploading going in a different direction.**

"Good God, it's gorgeous out here!" Slight groans escape my best friend's gorgeous lips as her body stretches out on the lawn chair beside mine. "Looking gorge in that swimsuit, Rollins." her left eyebrow raises as she turns to me, color flushes her checks as deep as roses dipped in pools of Hibiscus. "now Liv if I didn't know you were straight as lace is white, I would say your hitting on me." her dimples get me every time almost as her enchanting as her deep southern drawl. Those checks though they remind me of a naughty cherub angel. I feel my breath catch as I think of her words.

_"If I didn't know you were straight." _they ring inside my head like bells calling to ships in the night air. I can't blame her I guess I've been playing the straight, narrow act for so long sometimes; I can't even tell what's real verse's what the lies are that I've created to keep my life intact. I grew up in a different time and era compared to Amanda.

In 2019 it's still so increasingly hard for me to shed the shield of protection which I have built up around my heart, mind, and world. Some days I wish I could be as free as Amanda, she's unafraid to be herself. I can't bring it in me to express my true feelings. Every time I think I could build up the courage, I hear a dirty joke by one of my officers, or commanders. I see a new victim who was attacked beaten, or raped for simply being who they knew they were born to be. I freeze. I panic. I revert to my make-believe land of denying, lying and oppression.

Looking at Amanda as she lays next to me in that skimpy multi-neon colored bikini which barely covers any of her body, I long with a passion so deep it makes me sick to say those simple words to her. "I'm in Love with you."

My mouth waters as my eyes fest on her toned, super skinny, built tanned body. God, she is perfection my little Georgia summer peach, she's teasing me, I know it, does she know she's driving me wild? I have no clue, no one has ever even suspected that I am anything expect strictly into men. Yet somehow she seems to know, she's enjoying this little cat and mouse game too. Little peach has a bit of a sour pit inside her sweetness, so I decide to have some fun back. "Be careful in what you assume you know Detective, you can never assume anything in this day and age." Another arch of her eyebrows as she brings her beer bottle to her lips. "Master of riddles, rhymes Dr. Seuss is envy thy enemy is mine?" I laugh loudly guess she's not a typical dumb blond, how did she see through my lies? Keep your cool Liv, she's younger, not smarter, keep her played. "Rollins, you look beat as hell, would you like me to read you a bedtime story?"

"Liv can you please call me Amanda? We're out of the office, plus we are on vacation."

"Yeah sorry honey, Rollins just rolls off the tongue so fluidly."

"S'kay Liv." She turns to me grinning tossing her sunscreen towards me. "mind rubbing me down? I burn faster than a lobster at a crab bake on a rock." "You and your strange expressions." She shrugged swinging her legs off the chair onto my own as I swing around to face her. My hands shake slightly as I squeeze the cool creamy lotion on my hands gently massaging into her warm perfect skin, she is the definition of a smooth criminal.

"They look so precious out there, don't they?" smiling as I look at the direction her eyes are focused on. "They do honey, they look like they've known each other their whole lives instead of a few weeks." My nine-year-old son Noah is showing nine-year-old Riordan Luncun Lennon how to shoot a basketball from across the pool. "Yeah, he's a lucky kid Mandy." "Yeah Lucky Liv he's diagnosed with cancer at age two, six and again at nine, just so he could be in the car with his dad when he was caught transporting underage girls for sex, he gets to watch his mother being murdered."

Every emotion plays across her beautiful facial features. I want to reach up to brush her hair back hold her comfort her. I can't, I'm her boss, I'm straight, that's the story the world knows anyway.

"He's lucky Mandy, cuz you wouldn't stop till you got that SOB, he's going away for years, thanks to you," she grumbles swinging another sip of her beer. "Turn babe." Shit, I just called her babe, my whole body is frozen. Did she notice? Would she be offended?

For a few breathless moment's I wait, worry my mind running through every emotion. Watching her as she drains her bottle. "Yeah bout that Liv, I know, I uh..."She takes a deep breath in her typical deflecting style when she's trying to apologize. "I know I crossed a few rules, and maybe possibly obliterated them. Also might have possibly disobeyed a few direct orders to stand down."

She's nervous again. Am I that scary of a boss? Have I truly been that hard on her? "By disobeying my direct orders Amanda would you be referring to the orders I gave you about not going undercover? Or the ones where I told you not to take Crevan out of his home while his parents were still under watch? Nope, maybe it was the one where I told you under no circumstances were you to touch those drugs! Oh wait could it be the one where I said no press Rollins?" she's now drained the second bottle of Ale.

"Yeah uh, those ones."

"Amanda." I sigh gently massaging her shoulders and neck. Her moans send me to another plant as she sinks back into my arms. Coconut pineapple drift to my senses. "I'm not happy that you disobeyed me again you put your life on the line, you put both our careers on the line, you put our case in jeopardy. I was furious Amanda, and believe me I wanted your damn badge, but an old friend reminded me of all the shit, I pulled when I was younger and first joined SVU, so to call you out would make me a total hypocrite."

She laughing turning to me allowing me to lotion up her front. God, how can I possibly lotion her chest? My hands are stiff just trying to not watch her chest rise, fall. "So am I forgiven?" "With probation and you owe Fin drinks." she throws her head back laughing. "Oh Lordy, he won't let me live this one down." "No, he won't."

My vision drifts to my safe spot Noah jumping into the grand slam pool yelling "Cannonball suckers!" my cheeks flush as I hear the life-gaurd blow his whistle Amanda's breath hits my check as she laughs. My anger rises as I yell to my son. "Noah Porter Benson, another stunt like that, you'll be watching from the room!" his response is to dive into water deeper.

Rio is busy playing a game of basketball in the water. "He's a good kid Liv." "You want him? I'll give him to ya' free of charge." She doesn't laugh instead she sits up straighter her hands on her hips. "Do you think I would be a good mother Liv?"

Her tone is dead serious worrying me, brushing her blond hair aside from her check I wrap it in a bun on the back of her head using one of my extra scrunchies. Her eyes dance with so much pain. "Amanda, are you regretting your choice to have that abortion last year?"

Blowing out deep breaths she can't look at me her hands are shaking "I'm having nightmares." my breath sucks in "how badly sweetie?" for a minute she won't look at me "Mandy, honey? God, I never wanted you to go through that, it's why I told you that regrets are hard to live with." wrapping my arms over her chest I pull her back my heart breaks for her "Talk to me."

"Now's not the place Liv." Looking around at the hundreds of happily screaming kids all jumping in the pool splashing friends, happy relaxed parents on lawn chairs or under umbrella's, palm trees. Music is being played by a live kid band, the sun will set in a few hours, it's so peaceful almost too perfect. I understand how she feels she doesn't want her pain to tarnish this blissful moment.

"I can hear a baby calling to me, every damn time I close my eyes," Her breath shakes almost rattling her lungs, pain so raw it makes me want to vomit for her. "I wanted to be known mommy, why did you not want me?"

Closing my eyes I hold her close burying my face into her neck. I can feel her body stiffen. "why did you take my breath away? Why wasn't I worth the gift of life?" Why am I denied laughter, joy, love, life? The voice gets deeper as the baby grows, I can hear the child talking taunting me, teasing me, you named me no one...I am someone mommy, I had a right to live, why did you murder me?"

Her tears roll down in waves salty, hot stinging my tears laced with her regret. "Who's going to sing for me dance at my prom? No one you took me away,: her body completely breaks down silently she cried. All I can do is hold her my whole body stiff, how am I supposed to comfort her? So much of my thoughts are that if I told you so, why didn't you listen to me? This is what happens when you rush off and do things half-cock. I keep my thoughts to myself, she doesn't need them, they're not justified not or they helpful to her right now, she already has so much guilt.

"shh Mandy it's going to be okay, I know it's hard, we're our own worst enemies. You are not a murderer." "Aren't I though? Every life is sacred, every life deserves to draw breath, we arrest people who take lives." "Amanda you know the law as well as I do, murder is defined as the act of the unlawful premeditated killing of one human being by another. Murder is the act of someone else stopping another person from drawing their breath, a baby inside your womb can not draw its own breath so therefore it is not murder. You have the right to your own body, you make the decisions."

Smoothing the tears off her checks, I kicky myself mentally for not taking time last September to really talk to her, I should have stepped in, tried harder, went with her, not listen to her when she said "I'm fine Liv, go home to Noah." no woman should have to live through that alone.

Singling a waiter I grab two glasses of water tipping him, smiling at him. Splashing some water on a towel I run it over her face, neck, black streaks run down her cheeks. "Drink." Shoving the water under her lips I tip her head back.

"You made a choice Mandy one which you felt was right at the time. No One has the right to judge you for doing what you felt was right, you live on a cop's salary, your never home, you have a dangerous job, you're a single woman, with debts going out both ends, no support, no one can understand all the stacks you have against you, except you."

She remains silent "I wouldn't be a good mom, would I? Just say it please Liv, kids would be better off without my screwed up influences. I mean I practically raised Kim and look how well she turned out. God, just let me get through this summer; wake me when September ends" "Amanda you can not blame yourself for Kim, no matter how hard we try all we can do is our best, every person makes their own choices in life, you gave Kim everything you could, my god you were a kid yourself, you gave up your childhood for her, she chose drugs, sex, theft and lies. Someday Mandy, you will be a great mother, when the time is right when God sees fit."

"none of us are perfect Amanda, we all make mistakes, Lord knows I've made my share and more with Noah, and my past is just as fucked up as yours, if not more. I was the product of rape, the fact I am here is simply because my mother didn't have the choices you do now. We all flip our shit from time to time, we all get wasted and regret choices when we're sober. You are strong Amanda, bad-ass, beautiful, brilliant in the mind, and in your inner sparkle, you've turned your scars into lessons learned, God has his reasons even if we don't always understand or accept his reasons, they are his to cast, not ours to judge."

"Manda you have a lot of love to give to a child, you have more support than you think, right here." I tap her chest which is labored "You deserve to give yourself the chance to prove to yourself that you can do this, you deserve to feel the warmth of little arms wrapping themselves around your neck whispering. "I love you, mommy."

"Amanda if you are pregnant again, please take the time this time to search yourself, ask for help, everything inside of you knows I am right, we are all right here for you Mandy."

"Think of everything you've overcome to get here a dad that abused the shit out of you and your mom, a sex-crazed money chasing mom, who cared more about her next catch than her kids, a bipolar sister, poverty, mother's boyfriends and their wandering hands, you worked two to three jobs to put yourself through college, you got straight A's, you survived being bullied, you've worked for everything you have, I am sure there is so much more than what I even know, you were sexually assaulted, you fought back and got the hell out of Atlanta. Amanda you are amazing, please see yourself in the same light I see you."

She remains silent for a while looking down sighing "Wow that was quite the speech Olivia, thank you sincerely, it's wow I didn't know you felt that way, I always thought you hated me, till recently anyway." I feel my soul die a little was that rude and dismissing to her all these years? Did I tune her out so long I killed a little of her self confidence each day? I screwed up I am supposed to be her mentor, her superior.

"I'm not pregnant Liv, I haven't been with a guy in well over a year, I started paper-work to foster Rio, I was thinking of adopting him. I just don't know if I can do it, I have always been so reckless with my choices, I don't want to screw this kid any more than life has."

"If you don't he'll end up in the system, the kid already has cancer, the system will eat him up."

"the forgotten kids."

"Amanda I think this is amazing, if you need anything, I will be a witness."

"You would?"

"Proudly babe."

Enclosing my arms around her I wrap my legs around hers as we both settle back onto her chair. My hands caress her arms as we watch the luxury of childhood splash, and laugh a few feet away.

"Thanks, Liv, I'll need all the support I can get."

"Move in with me Amanda." the words slip out of my lips before I even know what I am saying. She turns to look at me shocked, confused. "Let me explain hon, we're both struggling to make ends meet, raise boys, Rio will need extra help because of his health, why should we both pay for nannies? Lucy is awesome, she can handle both boys after school till we get home. It'll show the judge you have support, and that Rio will have a family, structure. Love."

"Sounds amazing Liv. Thank you, I just don't know what else to say except thank you."

"Buy me drinks and dinner one night will call it even."

She opens her mouth shocked again "did you just ask me out on a date? And tell me to pay?"

"Call it whatever you want Detective," My lips brush her check as my fingers attack her in a sneak tickle under the top of her bikini bottoms, she howls in laughter squirming to get away.

"It's date Liv,"

My heart soars as high as any rocket hearing her saying those words, I think I finally feel how astronauts feel when they have lift off.


End file.
